BTW ShaeLyn wrote a post that helped inspire this so go read that too –> https://b3li3v3it0rn0t.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/apples/

This will make sense without reading it, but still. I’m sure you have the time.

…

When I was little, I was scared of werewolves. They terrified me. And the one part in the 3rd Harry potter movie where everyone’s chained together and one of the guys turned into a werewolf…

Lets just say I didn’t sleep well that night.

But our parents tell us enough times that monsters aren’t real that eventually we realize that they’re just a figment of our imagination.

Or so we think.

What if all the monsters are just biding their time? Waiting for a generation that is completely unprepared? It has already started happening.

For example.

Most people don’t have pitchforks and torches at the ready. Those are the primary tools to chase a monster out of your village. If you have a pitchfork please speak up because that is actually awesome. I have a rake, but the monsters aren’t scared of those.

Fresh garlic is less common in a household kitchen. Plenty of people have fresh garlic, but garlic seasoning is generally more convenient for cooking. And garlic powder significantly less effective to use on vampires. I am thoroughly convinced that the inventor of garlic powders, garlic salts and other garlic seasonings, was a vampire trying to weaken future generations.

And utensils. At parties, people often bring plastic utensils. But what if a werewolf were to come in the middle of your party??? The entire room would be defenseless!

Luckily, apples are still very common in America.

That’s right, apples.

Now, many people, probably most people, don’t believe in vampires, witches, ghosts, werewolves or zombies. But there is one thing you cannot deny.

Doctors are real.

Even if all these other creatures are fake, doctors are definitely real. I’m sure you’ve met one. Or maybe multiple. You may not think they are monsters, but here is my evidence.

They poke thinks in your ears and mouth.

They stick needles into you.

They cut you up and pull things out of you.

They still may not seem like monsters. I had a hard time believing it myself. They give you stickers and cartoon band-aids if you don’t cry when you get a shot. Or if you do cry. So they earn you trust by giving you a sticker no matter what. Some doctors even give you a sucker, or a mint. The list is endless. But this is all an act. They just want you to trust them. Next time you have a doctor’s appointment, be on your guard. And bring an apple just in case.

If one of your parents is a doctor, I’m sorry. You may consider spreading apple juice all over yourself every night so they don’t come cut out your appendix while you’re sleeping.

Doctors have a habit of cutting out everyone’s appendix. I think this is a sign that, in reality, the appendix is actually one of your most vital organs. If you still have your appendix, I would recommend protecting it with your life. Maybe it repels monsters or something. Doctors definitely wouldn’t want you with that.

You may have heard the saying, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” Especially if you read the title to this post. If you did, you’ve heard the saying.

People often think that this saying means “eating an apple a day will keep you healthy, so you won’t have to go see the doctor.” But I think our ancestors meant for this saying to mean something else. If understood correctly, this could save your life.

Just like vampires are repelled by garlic, doctors are repelled by apples.

I must admit I’ve never had the courage to ward off a doctor with an apple, but I can imagine that they would either hiss or scream while stumbling away from you as quickly as possible. Apple juice is also an effective deterrent, since it contains sugar as well as apples. Doctors are always telling kids to not eat too much candy. It probably repels them too, and that’s why they don’t want us eating it.

In conclusion, eat an apple a day. Keep those doctors away. Maybe consider adding apple juice to your pepper spray. Check under your bed for doctors before you go to sleep. And be careful out there.

Just saying.

Whoever this kid is that was like, “we need a day where friends are not friends, and we prey on the vulnerable and either scare them really bad or make them think that life doesn’t suck anymore, but then APRIL FOOLS, life still sucks.” Whoever this kid is, he’s mean. And I very much dislike this kid.

EXAMPLE

My mom’s friend told her elementary age kids that they could go back to school today. So they went and got ready and they were so excited and then, APRIL FOOLS, it’s FAKE.

Cruel.

I got an article from my “friends who are not friends” saying that we have to redo our current grade.

CRUEL.

Preying on the vulnerable!

Just saying.

So its four o’clock in the afternoon and I was like,

“Oh wait, humans need to eat food to live! Forgot about that.”

Don’t worry I usually eat food that’s not the problem here. I was just too busy doing march madness. And that involved lots of laughing and crying so I was distracted.

ANYWAY.

So I feel hungry and look at the time and I’m like, “I’m gonna go get some leftover potato casserole for lunch.” So I get it out of the fridge and plop it onto a plate and put it in the microwave and I’m about to start the microwave when my mom walks past and she’s like,

“Hey I just cleaned the microwave, can you put a bowl on that?”

So I go and get a bowl and put it on top of my potato casserole and I start the microwave.

And then the weirdest thing starts happening.

My potato casserole starts making noises.

It was this low, guttural popping noise. Its freaking me out. I decide that my casserole is either alive and about to take over the world, or just making some warning noises before it blows up my kitchen. So I started making plans.

Alright, so if there is a fire, I can just turn on the sink and point the faucet all over the kitchen. Wait, isn’t there something with kitchen fires that water only makes them worse? I think so. I think I’m supposed to pour salt on it. Or is it flour. I feel like one of those is flammable and the other stops fires. So which is which?

But then, to my relief, the microwave beeps. And no potato monster comes out bent on killing the world’s farmers. So I decide that my worrying probably prevented the problem.

So I open the microwave.

Somehow, even with the plate on, my casserole had managed to squirt water all over the microwave anyway. But I just ignore the mess as I grab my plate, my glorious casserole—

And burn my hands.

I drop the plate, but luckily I had barely lifted it up so nothing broke.

EVERYTHING IS FINE.

I go and get an oven mitt, but none of our oven mitts have a thumb. Its just one big pocket for your hand.

Makes you grateful for fingers.

I manage to get my casserole out of the microwave and onto the counter. And then I decide that I’m going to lift the bowl off with a flourish, even there’s no one around to admire my microwave casserole.

So I try to lift the bowl off.

But its stuck.

It doesn’t really help that I’m wearing these big, clumsy, thumb-less oven mitts. And the bowl is super hot so I can’t even do it with my hands. So I’m just basically rubbing these oven mitts all over a bowl trying to find a grip somewhere, but failing. Luckily, no one else is in the kitchen, because I look pretty pathetic.

While I’m trying to get my casserole, I start to feel guilty about mess I made in the clean microwave. I decide it wouldn’t take too long to just wipe it down real quick and make it as good as new.

I go to grab some paper towels from under the sink, but there’s nothing there. The paper towels are gone. I open a drawer looking for a rag or something, but somehow, every single rag has gone somewhere else today. Usually we have lots of rags. I check every drawer.

Not.

One.

Rag.

Since I’m still feeling bad about the mess, I decide to go downstairs to see if there are any paper towels in our storage. I go downstairs, go into the storage, navigate around old tools and holiday decorations, and come to the place where the extra paper towels usually rest.

Emphasis on usually.

That’s right, there’s no extra paper towels.

In fact, there’s an empty spot where the paper towels usually lay. I can feel this spot of ground watching me, maybe mocking me.

Okay, not really, I’m just being dramatic.

However, I spot a paper napkin from thanksgiving on the ground. After a moment, I snatch it up and hurry back upstairs. Once I’m back in the kitchen I open the microwave and wipe it down with the ground napkin.

Boom.

Clean.

Now for my potaoes.

I turn back to my plate, which still has a bowl on top. Somehow, a piece of potato has gotten out from underneath the bowl. Don’t ask me how.

I grab a fork and eat this piece of potato. It is delicious. It is glorious. The potato goes wonderfully with the cheese and milk and cream. It is…

Just one piece.

Oh, how wonderful it would be, to be able to eat a whole plate of potato casserole, and not just that one piece. Oh, how tasty it would be.

The plate was still too hot. I put on my thumb-less oven mitts.

And proceed to rub them all over the bowl, searching for some sort of grip.

Once again, I look pathetic.

But then, it happens. I grip a rough spot on the bowl, and slowly, ever so slowly, lift the bowl off.

The casserole is an incredible sight.

I breath out a sigh of relief, and bring the casserole over to a chair. I sit down and place the casserole in front of me. I can barely contain my excitement as I peel off my oven mitts and pick up my fork.

My entire life has led to this moment.

I spear a piece with my fork, and bring it to my mouth.

It smells so good.

I take a bite.

And it burns my tongue.

😐

A three step, thirty second way to motivate yourself when there’s a worldwide pandemic breathing down your neck.

1. Think about an upcoming day. No, not the due date of your english assignment. Think about something you’re looking forward to. For me, it’s going to Trek this summer. *Note: have some backup days in mind in case yours gets cancelled. It might have to be in a while, but they can’t cancel things forever.
2. Think about a recent fun memory. It can be as simple as a sunny day, or maybe a snack you had earlier.
3. Think about someone that loves you. There are so many to choose from, even if you don’t realize it.

Once you’ve done that, take a deep breath, and do whatever you were motivating yourself to do, such as, but not limited to, homework, getting out of bed, taking a shower.

If these steps still do not work, you can try thinking of memes, or your favorite song, or think of the relief of having these things done.

Thank you for reading and good luck.

In the building of administration, in the massive office of the main administrator, the administrators were having a meeting.

Except this meeting was different. Instead of sitting around the large, rectangular table, the administrators were spread throughout the room. Each had a six foot bubble of space.

And many were in tears.

You see, the administrators hated cancelling school. They wanted the students to suffer by having to come to school, no matter how dangerous the conditions. But the Governor had done it for them.

“Why!” one woman wailed. “Why did he have to cancel school?”

Another administrator lay in fetal position on the ground.

“Empty schools,” he said. “Empty classrooms, empty lockers, empty hallways—”

“Everyone calm down!” the main administrator, Mr. Administrator, said.

“Calm down?” a man screamed. “You calm down!”

“In my twelve years working here, we’ve only cancelled school one time!” Another administrator yelled. “Then, overnight, we lose a month!”

“Everyone, stop!” Mr. Administrator yelled. “Miss Secratary?”

“Yes?” she hollered. She was at the opposite end of the room.

“Did you find out if COVID-19 is just a conspiracy? Or perhaps biological warfare from a moon colony to cause chaos?”

“From what I can tell, this is a real sickness,” she said. “I haven’t found any information about a lunar settlement. I will continue to look into it.”

“Thank you,” he said.

“After this,” Mr. Administrator continued, “I don’t care if it snows thirteen feet overnight. We are never cancelling school again.”

The room dissolved into cheers and questions and screaming, and Mr. Administrator could not calm them down.

You ask me to tell you the story of my first kiss.

I wish I could say no.

I wish I could tell you the story is too private. An empty doorstep after a date. Just me and him.

I wish I could tell you that the moment was to perfect to ever try to recreate. That no words could do it justice, that it was never meant to be said, just experienced.

I wish I could tell you that I enjoyed it.

But I can’t.

And I might as well tell you, because everyone else knows the story anyway.

We were on a bus, coming home from school. He sat in the back, I was in the middle of the bus.

Truth or Dare, they asked him

He picked Dare.

Alright, his friends said, what should we do. What could we dare him to do.

I was reading a book, far away from the group. They could’ve picked any other girl. There were so many other girls.

But for some reason, one of his friends noticed me.

I didn’t pay attention when they started chanting. It was something that happened a lot on junior high buses.

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

People started pushing me around, teasing me. I still didn’t know what was happening.

He walked down the isle and sat on the seat across from me.

I didn’t even know his name.

You have to kiss him, his friends said.

No! I said.

Its a dare, the onlookers said, you have to.

You have to.

No, I said.

I tried to resist when he grabbed my face. The kiss was much longer than necessary, with me squirming the entire time. Those lips pressed against mine had never said a single word to me. Around us, everyone cheered and laughed. They pretended this was a happy moment, a funny moment.

I finally broke free and turned away. He walked back down the isle, joking with his friends, and never once looking at me. Never apologizing to the girl he humiliated. The girl he kissed after she said no.

I told you it wasn’t private.

I told you it wasn’t anything close to perfect.

And I definitely didn’t enjoy it.

I never learned his name. He never knew mine. I was just another of the dozens of girls he’d kissed.

I wish you hadn’t asked, but I don’t blame you. First kisses are usually happy stories, or funny stories.

Maybe the second kiss will be better.

My fingers move but my mind is blank.

So I’m not sure what’s coming out.

Where does it all come from, anyway.

Inspiration.

The thinks we write.

The things we say.

Because wherever it comes from,

I think mine is broken.

The box in my brain.

Where new things are made.

Is broken.

I think.

Probably.

Maybe.

So my mind is blank.

But my fingers still move.

Still type the nothings I have to say right now.

Because of the broken box.

My hand moves to the mouse.

I press publish.

Before reading.

What my fingers have made.

🙂

So here’s the deal. I went to the grocery story to get some toilet paper. After all, toilet paper is a normal part of my life. And another normal part of my life is walking into the toilet paper isle at the grocery store and seeing all the white, fluffy goodness neatly packaged with plastic and love.

But it is not a normal day.

So when I get to the toilet paper isle, the shelves are empty. Empty! Empty I say!

Empty.

And my heart is empty as well, for I love toilet paper, you see. But it is all gone. What I would have given even to see one of those creepy cartoon bears that are always rubbing their face all over the toilet paper because its so soft.

But no.

Empty.

And I’m told it’s because of this corona guy. Whoever that jerk is.

Maybe Corona is just a regular guy, with a regular life. Maybe he likes toilet paper as much as me. So when he won the lottery he decided to go buy out the toilet paper at Costco. I don’t blame him. I probably would have done the same.

But that can’t be right. There’s no way he’d fit that all in one cart.

Maybe Corona is a politician. Yeah, that’s got to be it. Corona is a politician, and everyone is buying out the toilet paper so they can go toilet paper his house during election month.

I would do that too. IF ONLY THE TOILET PAPER WASN’T GONE!

Or maybe Corona is a very awful monster (no, not a politician.) And he’s repelled by toilet paper, like a vampire with garlic. Or those 80s gremlins with sunlight. Or pizza by pineapple.

Wait, you mean you haven’t heard the pizza screaming when it has pineapple on it? It sounds like this:

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Translated: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Well whoever this Corona is, he’s really messing with my life. After all, I need my toilet paper.

People are always asking, “How are you?” Or “How’s it going?” But the answer is always the same. Why even ask? It’s always, “I’m fine.” But what does that even mean?

To answer this question, I’ve gone to the most wise, most reliable, and most helpful person I know.

Ok so it’s not a person it’s google.

Some people say fine when they’re not fine. At least, they may not be fine in the traditional sense of the word.

Hey google, define fine.

Saying define fine is weird. It’s like you’re echoing yourself.

Define fine fine fine fine.

You should try it it’s actually cool.

I’ll wait.

You done? It’s cool, right?

Oh. It’s just fine?

BUT WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN???

Definitions of fine: (This is not plagerism because I’m going to tell you I got the definitions from google.) (I got the definitions from google.)

• of high quality.”this was a fine piece of filmmaking”

“How are you Joe?”

“I’m of high quality! Thanks for asking.”

I would go look up the different definitions of quality but that might just open a can of worms.

• used to express one’s agreement with or acquiescence to something.”anything you want is fine by me, Linda”

“How are you Joe?”

“I’m fine with anything you are going to do. I am expressing my agreement.”

“That didn’t answer my question…”

• (of the weather) bright and clear.”it was another fine winter day”

“How are you Joe?”

“I am bright and clear. If I were weather, I would not be clouds. I would be a big blue sky with a gentle breeze and a temperature of about 59 degrees. The children would be playing in me. I don’t know if that would be painful or not. Maybe that would make me angry so I would use my lightning weather powers to shock and kill the children.”

Joe’s friend slowly slinks away to call the police.

• of imposing and dignified appearance or size.”a very fine Elizabethan mansion”

“How are you Joe?”

“I am very imposing so FEAR ME!! MWAHAHAHAHAH!”

• (of speech or writing) sounding impressive and grand but ultimately insincere.”fine words seemed to produce few practical benefits”

“How are you Joe?”

“I am insincere, but I sound impressive. If I gave you a compliment, it would be fake. I wouldn’t mean it. Just wanted to tell you now.”

“Wait, so when you said you liked my hair?”

“I was being insincere. Your hair looks stupid. If you blended a groundhog and spread the groundhog butter onto a sock filled with dead mice and then threw up all over that because the process was so gross and then put it on your head, it would be an improvement.”

“Oh. Are you being insincere again?”

“Nope.”

• (of a thread, filament, or person’s hair) thin.”I have always had fine and dry hair”

“How are you Joe?”

“I’m skinny!”

• (of a point) sharp.”I sharpened the leads to a fine point”

“How are you Joe?”

“I’m pointy!”

• clarify (beer or wine) by causing the precipitation of sediment during production.

“How are you Joe?”

“I’m beer.”

• (of something abstract) subtle and therefore perceived only with difficulty and care.”there is a fine distinction between misrepresenting the truth and lying”

“How are you Joe?”

“I would try to explain the answer to your question, but it’s too subtle and abstract for you to understand.”

“Oh okay.”

“Because you’re an idiot.”

My point is, saying “I’m fine.” has a lot of different meanings. You’re probably better off just saying how you actually feel.

And also, Joe is a jerk! That would suck to be his friend.

Oh, hey! It’s one of Joe’s friends.

“Hey Joe’s friend! What’s it like being friends with the jerk that we call Joe.”

“It’s fine.”

😐